Petectives

by Robert J. Smith

Yoshi and Gatsby, the cat detectives from the Petectives series have stopped by to discuss their impressions of the holiday season:

Yoshi: Greetings cozy lovers! Please allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Yoshi. I’m a black cat weighing fourteen pounds. I enjoy reading, napping and ….

Gatsby: What’s happening?

Yoshi: We’re doing a blog post on the Cozy Mystery Book Club’s “12 Days of Cozies” site. Introduce yourself.

Gatsby: My name’s Gatsby. I’m an incredibly good looking orange cat who weighs about twelve pounds and has no idea what a cozy mystery is.

Yoshi: It’s a book genre featuring amateur detectives, a quaint setting and no sex or violence.

Gatsby: Is that why they cut all of the good stuff out of my books?

Yoshi: I believe that you mean our books. I am the one that solves the mysteries after all.

Gatsby: Only after I go out and talk to the suspects, examine the evidence, make fun of the neighborhood dogs and then come home with all the facts so that you can put down whatever book you happen to be reading and solve the mystery. Doesn’t seem fair that you should get equal credit.

Yoshi: Oh, please. You can’t deny that your crude adventures would be meaningless without my keen ratiocinations.

Gatsby: I probably could if I knew what “ratiocinations” meant.

Yoshi: That’s quite enough banter. We’re here to discuss our views on Christmas. For example, what do you think of Santa Claus? According to the book The Physics of Christmas by Roger Highfield, Santa was originally St. Nicolas from the town of Patara in Turkey and he was born in year 245 AD. Since then he’s…

Gatsby: Isn’t he that big human in the red suit that says “Ps, Ps, Ps!”

Yoshi: No, I believe that he says “Ho, Ho, Ho!”

Gatsby: That’s ridiculous. How would he get anybody’s attention like that?

Yoshi: Good point. What else do you know about him?

Gatsby: Not much. Just that he commits acts of breaking and entering and forces reindeer to provide him with transportation. Seems like a nasty customer. He’d better not try breaking into our human’s house in the middle of the night. I’ll give him five claws in that little round belly.

Yoshi: Let’s move on. What about Christmas trees? According to the book Stories Behind the Great Traditions of Christmas by Ace Collins, German theologian Martin Luther came up with the idea of decorating fir trees with candles as a part of Christmas.

Gatsby: You mean those pine trees the humans put in the living room? I love climbing those!

Yoshi: They’re not for climbing! They’re a decoration meant to convey everlasting love during the Christmas season.

Gatsby: No, they must be for climbing. They put a tree in the house and then put sparkly stuff all over it. How do they expect a cat to not climb that?

Yoshi: As usual, you display impeccable logic.

Gatsby: At least climbing a tree is better that what I assume a dog would do to a tree kept inside the house.

Yoshi: OK, perhaps we’d better move onto another topic! How about Christmas presents? What do you want for Christmas?

Gatsby: Well at this festive time of year, when everybody should be kind to one another and we should all strive to help our fellow beings if only for one day, there is just one thing that I would like.

Yoshi: Yes?

Gatsby: I want everybody to buy Petectives books! All of ‘em! They make the perfect gift and I get a decent cut of the profits!

Yoshi: Gatsby…

Gatsby: I narrate the books so you know they’re hilarious. And they’ve got mystery and lots of action. Why someone tries to kill me at least once every book!

Yoshi: I’m sure that your sales pitch would be far more successful if you were to lead with that fact.